Kev was adorable. Kev wanted to see me, spend the night with me, take me out on a date, or something. But I felt like I needed some air. I needed to clear my mind. The night was cool and I took in a deep breath of the cool air and held it in for a few minutes before I let it out. It felt so refreshing.
I hugged my oversized hoodie closer to my body and put on my earphones, my favorite songs on repeat. I walked into the cold night, hoping to find some peace and solitude in the cold darkness.
As much as I loved my music, I couldn’t focus on the beats or the lyrics which usually took over my mind and thoughts.
‘How could he leave me?’
‘Is it really over?’
‘I cannot live without him’
‘Am I now truly alone?’
These thoughts kept playing over and over in my mind, I must have been going through shock.
I did not care where I was going; I just wanted to walk. I just wanted to match the crazy that was in my head. My mind was running too wild for my body to sit still. I couldn’t hear the wind whizzing silently on the treetops, or feel the cold breeze kissing my skin. Neither could I see the half-moon and the sky full of stars that ever took my breath away and always caused me to stare a little more and occasionally spread out my fingers out towards the sky.
No, tonight I was in a daze. Walking in the hope that I could walk away from all the emotions I was feeling, or shed this new coat of dishevelment that had wrapped itself so uncomfortably tight around me.
I got to a bench, humped on it, and took out a cigarette. I knew it wouldn’t help my situation much, but anything that got my mind off my thoughts was welcome to entertain me. I inhaled a few puffs and felt a bit lightheaded. My anxiety kicked in and I stood up to walk back. My head started spinning and suddenly butterflies cohabitated deep in my belly.
Everything began to spin. I couldn’t control what was going on inside me. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I couldn’t breathe. My breaths came in fast and I was panting for air. I held my belly tightly, completely overtook by everything that was going on inside me.
I fell to the ground and curved myself into a ball, shutting my eyes tight and giving in to the darkness. I stopped fighting the chaos and became one with it.
I don’t know for how long I lay there but I felt something warm on my face. It warmed up my face and I took a few minutes before I opened my eyes. The first sight that caught my eyes was the golden innocent sun rising far in the east but felt like it was right there beside me.
I rose up and walked back home with the feeling of a million-dollar princess.
Article by Essie Michaels